I’m so old.
I mean I don’t really care. I feel like I’ve been old for a while now, but it’s so weird finding out that someone is 17 and realising they’re a whole hecking 6 years younger than me. I can’t believe people born in 2000 will be 18 this year, that’s so weird, they’re supposed to be babies??? Now that I’m really rooted in in my 20s, I’m looking at 18 year olds and honestly wondering why they’re all idiots. Was I like that too? Because I hope not. I hear people saying stuff like ‘I’m 32 I’m so old’ and I’m like ??? You’re literally a spring chicken??
I don’t know if I’ve done one of these posts before, which is surprising because I often like to pretend I’m a wise old man who has lived 50 lives. In reality, I don’t have ‘life’ experience, per se. I just like to rant, so here I am, once again I’m torn into pieces can’t deny it can’t pretend that I talk a load of shite.
These past years I, myself, have learnt a few things. I’ve learnt that I CAN socialise. I realise how much of a better person you become after interacting with people from all walks of life. I realised that life is short and we’re all going to die so I don’t worry too much about the future. As long as I’m doing what I want, it can’t go that wrong. I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY GODDAMNIT. And stable. That too. But happy. Let’s begin.
Calculated risks, that is. Do something out of your comfort zone, do something that you’re so set on. Think about the time you said ‘I would never do that’ and then do it. Except cheat. Or jump off a cliff; please don’t do that unless you’re considering the former.
Respect is earned.
The biggest life lesson I have ever learned and will ever learn. You only need respect whomever respects you. You cannot demand respect. If someone demands respect without showing it to you in return, tell them to fuck off. The best manager I ever had spoke to housekeeping the same way he spoke to the CEO.
Stop giving so many chances
They fucked up once, twice, three times, and I’m sensing a pattern here. People can change, but two chances in and it’s clear they’re not one of those people. That or they don’t want to change.
Sense of humour is important
It’s not cliche, it’s not overrated. You can’t vibe with someone if you don’t laugh at the same things, if they don’t bounce off your sarcasm. Or whatever floats your boat. If you make kitchen or rape jokes, I’m not gonna laugh, I’m gonna insult your family and make you cry.
Indulge in what you love
It doesn’t matter what it is. If you love collecting horse hair or carrying around a fake baby or some weird shit, do it. As long as you’re not hurting anybody, do what makes you happy.
Never look for a rebound
Don’t date someone JUST to get over your ex. It will fuck you both up. This person will only serve the purpose of filling a void, and if they leave you’re back to being empty. Not only that, but it’s not fair on the other person. Just don’t.
Tell them how you feel
If they’re pissing you off, tell them. If you like them, tell them. If you love them, tell them. You have nothing to lose except someone who doesn’t respect or like how you feel.
Never settle for anything
Jobs, friendships, relationships. If it’s sucking the soul out of you, leave your job. There’s always something else. If they’re selfish or hypocritical, find a new best friend. If you find yourself saying ‘Well it’s better than being single for the rest of my life’, leave them.
‘Does he like me or not?’ the answer is no
At least he definitely doesn’t like you enough. If he did, you wouldn’t be asking yourself that question. You would know. But before you make any wrong decisions and cut off the potential love of your life off my stupid advice, do the best thing there is: ask him.
Go with your gut
Always, where possible, go with your gut, or you’ll never be fully happy. That little bit of dissatisfaction that lingers in your life, the ‘what if’s’ will make you miserable. Sometimes you think you have to play it safe, but other times it feels like there’s something burning in your stomach and it rises up through your chest and into your head and makes you dizzy as the words ‘yes but what if??????’ bounce off the insides of your skull. The excitement is there for a reason. Failing is better than never knowing.
Find your outlet
Writing, cooking, running, painting, photography, makeup, knitting, boxing. Anything. Work AND meaningless time-wasting is quietly detrimental to your mental health. Find an outlet that helps you blow off some steam and escape whilst simultaneously bringing you closer to yourself.
Don’t judge anybody ever
You don’t know what struggles another person is dealing with in their life. Give them excuses. Unless they’re being an asshole to you, in which case you tell them they’re being an asshole and sit back and watch their response.
Don’t think about the past
You can’t change it!!!! You’re making it worse by dedicating more previous non-refundable time to that past!!!! Move on. Forget about it. Nobody even remembers that time you threw up outside your classroom in year 2. Or the time you kinda peed yourself because the fucking man-girl teacher didn’t let you go to the toilet. Year 2 was a dark time, we don’t talk about year 2.
Nobody cares about your pimple
Whilst we’re on the subject of the fact that nobody cares about you, let me just clarify: nobody cares. Nobody cares about your pimple or your shitty skin, nobody cares about your lopsided face or your weird thumbs. The people at Tesco are not gonna stop and gather in a group, snarkily chanting ‘omg that girl isn’t wearing any makeup’. They have groceries to buy. Besides, some of us find physical flaws attractive.
Stop comparing yourself to others
You work hard and are slaving away in a shitty job whilst that other guy literally did nothing and is getting paid better than you? Life sucks. Some people work hard, but a lot of people are just handed better cards. They have connections that you don’t, they were given better chances than you ever had. It sucks and you secretly hate them for not deserving it, but forget about it. Do you.
Stay away from people who brag
Listen. Whether they brag about money, education, wo/men, or god forbid, giving to charity, stay away from them. Only surround yourself with humble people because they’re great to be around and their energy is beautiful.
Educate yourself outside of school
Find something you’re interested in and learn more about it. Serial killers, salt, trees,a language, anything. Please. Remind yourself about how cool learning is when you take away institutional education aka the ruiner of all things great. There’s more to intelligence than correctly answering a few pre-made questions.
Don’t drink to have fun
Unless you want to become an alcoholic. You’ll drink and probably be like ‘this is great, I want to feel like this all the time’ and that’s when you realise how bad alcohol is. You shouldn’t have to rely on alcohol to have a good time. Eat a brownie or something.
If your heart is set on something, it’s never too late
You wanna learn to play piano, you want to go on X factor, you wanna call that guy you left on read five years ago. Go for it. JUST. DOOOOO IT.
Look after yourself
Take a break from life, have a ‘cheat meal’ without calling it a cheat meal. Have a lie in every now and then. Take a bubble bath with candles without thinking it’s ‘gay’. You’re stuck with you for the rest of your life, better not make it a punishment.
Don’t skimp on skincare
There’s a reason that Primark moisturiser is £1. There’s also a reason it broke you out. Look after your skin before piling on makeup to cover up the fact that you haven’t been doing so. Cake all you want, but look after your skin first. Serums, facial oils, moisturisers. Yes, you do need all of it, you are not a cherub exempt from all of this and above us all. Time will creep up on you, my friend.
Don’t be the ‘pick me’ girl. Be the girls girl.
You know what I’m talking about. The girl who says shit just to make guys like her and think she’s ‘different to today’s females’. Don’t be her. ‘If you don’t cook for your man, another woman will’. Hahahahahahahah. Don’t do it. Stick up for other girls, support other girls, because soon it becomes a good habit.
Hypermasculinity is unattractive
‘I’m a man. I do manly things. I am a protector and a provider. I don’t laugh, I want to be mysterious and I will beat anyone up who looks at me wrong. I want people to fear me.’ Boy that is UGLY. No cool guy will want to be friends with you and no cool girl will want to be with you, and vice versa. Laugh at whatever makes you laugh, double text, have manners. Be you.
I mean I think that was 23? I don’t know. I wasn’t counting. All I can think about now is that I have a nice lil shitpost waiting for you. Until next time. But since you got this far, I have a present for you.
That’s me being a crybaby in the 90s. And that’s me being a crybaby now. Some things never change except now we have bitmoji and snapchat to really convey our misery.