“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence.”
selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
This post has been sitting in my drafts for about a month and I no longer care about it, which is why I haven’t posted it… but I think I’m the guinea pig of the dating world. Apparently having ‘I am your mother’ plastered on my forehead, I somehow always found myself associating with the worst of the worst, so it’s only right that I use that for the greater good and teach you what I’ve learnt. And what I have learnt since then is the difference between a bitch boy and a man. I know the gender-is-a-social-construct brigade will get at me for that, but what can I say? There are men and there are men. We’re always categorising women, it’s only fair to do the same. When you’ve gone from dealing with boys who throw their toys out the pram for not buying them food to men who actually have their shit together and act like men, it’s hard not to talk about it.
But this post isn’t about the men, it’s about the bitch boys. I include the definition of narcissism because all sociopaths are narcissists. But not all narcissists are sociopaths.
The difference? Intention.
Both have extreme adoration for themselves, both will always put themselves first, both feel no genuine sense of guilt. Both are undeniably and unhealthily in love with themselves. Both are practically the same, bar one major difference.
A narcissist loves himself and will accidentally hurt you in the process because he’ll always put himself first. He cares about you, but he cares about himself more.
A sociopath loves himself and will at points intend to hurt you because he wants you to be hurt, and he’ll do anything to achieve that.
The latter will gain pleasure and a sense of justification from hurting you; it makes him feel like a big, big, powerful man when he sees you helpless. Sociopaths are stuck in their ways and will not budge; there is no ‘changing’ a sociopath, and this is for all you Heathcliff stans. They will hurt you. Even if you think they won’t. They won’t do it accidentally, they will do it because they want you to be in pain, they get off to the thought of making you cry. It is malicious, always.
Fortunately, I’ma tell you how to spot a sociopath before he sets you on fire for not buying him Gucci shoes.
He has an immense sense of self importance and will hurt anyone who bruises his ego
Including you. He will, most importantly, lash out at you for ever questioning his manhood. I’m not talking normal angry. Normal angry includes the raising of the voice, the name calling, the assertion that you’re pissing them off. But a sociopath doesn’t just say things out of anger; he knows what he’s doing and will carefully tailor the things he says to hit you where it hurts. He will call you a whore, a bitch, a cxnt, he will try to break your car, he will adjust his body language so that you think he’s going to hit you because he just wants to see you scared, he will blackmail you into paying for a cab to take him home because he doesn’t want to pay for it because he’s a stingy bastard. What a man.
If you start crying because he’s hurt you, he will either mock you for crying or he’ll start crying too in order to make the situation about him again. He will hit you where it hurts if he doesn’t get his way; he will pick out your insecurities, he will tell you ‘you’re butters anyway’. You’ll block his number after that and then he’ll message you on instagram just to tell you that you’re a dirty crackhead raccoon (or some other weird insults in South London dialect), that you’re a shit writer and you’re “not going to be nothing”. He will rope you into a contract that you can’t afford just because he wants you to suffer. If you ever make him feel less than the greatest person on earth, he will do everything he can to hurt you and show you who’s boss.
He likes using you to make other people (guys) jealous.
It’s cute when your man wants to post a picture with you on your Instagram story, or if he wants to kiss you in the middle of the shopping centre sometimes. But sometimes that man will get angry when you don’t want a picture up, or if you don’t want make a porno in Westfield. Maybe I don’t want people to see you shove your tongue down my throat outside Primark, you know?
A normal person will respect that, even if he may be a little be upset. A sociopath will get unreasonably angry at you for denying him the right to show other people that you’re his. He didn’t think that was a particularly nice picture the same way you did. He just wanted others to be envious. Sometimes he’ll even say ‘I want to make everyone jealous’. Congratulations, you are arm candy.
He needs constant validity and admiration all the time
You would be forgiven for thinking this man-child has mummy issues. Clearly, he needs adoration and attention all the time or he’ll DIE. Wanting attention is normal; wanting to be desired is normal. But any attention you give him is never enough, and he gets angry when he feels you’re not giving him any. He wants every second of your attention all the time and instead of loving you up when you give it, he’s ripping you to shreds when you don’t. You can’t go to bed early, you can’t have a nice time out with your friends. He won’t be straight up with you; he will make it very clear that something is wrong but won’t tell you what it is because he wants to feel like you’re going to do everything you can to find out yourself. He is inconsiderate of your needs and wants you to drop everything and change your schedule around to tend to the crying baby.
He wants everything his own way and will get aggressive if he doesn’t
You will probably, at some point, begin to do things out of fear. ‘Why didn’t you just tell him to get the fuck out of your car?’ is easier said than done. ‘Why didn’t you just tell him to call his own cab?’ is easier said than done. The answer, to both, is quite simply: he’s a psychopath and would have probably beat me to a pulp. Even if he insists he would never hit a woman, as soon as you feel like he would, he definitely would. Never stick around long enough to find out if he’ll tip over the edge.
He does not feel regret or remorse and feels justified in abusing you
His apologies are never genuine. He only apologises to hear one back, it’s always “I’m sorry for what I did, but you shouldn’t have done xyz….”. He only does nice things to get nice things back. He never feels bad for treating you like shit because he believes you deserved it. A sociopath does not apologise genuinely because they never feel apologetic, and you know when it isn’t genuine. They don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong, so why should they apologise?
When you ask a sociopath if they’re going to talk to you like a piece of shit again, they won’t say no. They’ll say ‘are you going to make me angry again?’.
He thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread and that you’re lucky to have him
He comes first. Always. He will always put his feelings above your own and blow your wrongdoings out of proportion. He’s allowed to rinse your wallet, use you as an uber, manipulate you, be a broke bitch with no prospects who can’t spell, no work ethic, no lips, no fitness regime and no car, yet he still has the audacity to think he’s too good for you. And for some godforsaken reason he really, genuinely believes it, because he thinks he’s the most macho man in the world. Short man syndrome.
He will tell you he knows his worth, and you say ‘okay, bye then’ and he still comes running back. If you know your worth, why are you back here? Bitch boy.
He doesn’t conform to social norms and doesn’t know how to behave normally.
He’ll embarrass you in public, make offensive remarks within earshot of the people he’s talking about. He’ll get angry at the girl behind the counter at McDonalds for taking too long even though it’s not her fault the machines were broken. You can only smile apologetically at her because you’d never embarrass him by taking anybody else’s side, you’re loyal like that. He’ll act like an uncivilised tramp when you’re shopping, he’ll eat things off the shelf without paying for them so you flip and pick up the wrapper to pay for it yourself because you will not be associated with a thief, and he’ll get angry at you for getting angry at him. He’ll try and blow shisha smoke into your mouth like you’re in a GCSE music video for Bewafa and then abandon you to go and chill with a random guy who’s wearing his country’s flag. He’ll complain to you about his ‘P*ki prick’ of a manager even though you are Pakistani.
A sociopath just doesn’t know how to be a normal person in society. Which is probably why he doesn’t have any friends. ‘My circle is small’ yeah but not out of choice, darling.
I don’t know what it’s like in different towns or cities, but where I’m from, the people around me were mostly brought up the same. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but we’re all very hospitable and considerate. A sociopath is not; refer back to him putting himself first all the time. There are men who are men (traditionally masculine), there are men who are 2019 ‘men’ (not really masculine), and then there are bitch boys (insist they are masculine but are in fact not). The sociopath is the latter.
A normal person will insist you let them pay when you go out somewhere, they will try avoid having you go out of your way for them. Nobody is really ever comfortable with someone going out of their way for them, except a sociopath who doesn’t give a shit because they have no sense of what is normal and acceptable. He will tell you to buy him things, he’ll get stroppy when you don’t, he’ll make you drive him home 40 minutes away at midnight even though you have work the next morning and he’s just bumming around with nothing to do. The worst part is he’ll make out that it was your choice, even though he knows very well that if you said no, he’d start sulking and call you a whore. He’ll get angry at you for not calling in sick to spend the day with him because he’s unemployed and doesn’t know how the real world works. Dumb bitch boy.
He’s irresponsible and unreliable
Tell a sociopath to meet you at 7pm and he’ll sit around on his arse faffing about all day until he can get the latest train possible so that you have to drive to the station to pick him up after you’ve finished work. He will tell you he’s going to do something for you and then not do it. He complains that he’s broke but manages to smoke weed all day, doesn’t give a shit about his job, and never sticks to his word.
A sociopath has big dreams and ambitions that he probably won’t achieve because he thinks his entire life will go his way without having to make any sacrifices. He’s not open to change; he believes he is perfect and everything will be handed to him. He thinks he’s fine the way he is and that everybody else is shit. He will therefore amount to nothing.
Please girls and guys. Stay away from men and women like this, for your sanity and your bank balance. Don’t feel obliged to give the nice guy a chance because he just might turn out like this. I know you’re reading this and thinking ‘what kind of dumb bitch would be with someone like that anyway’, but worry not. That post is coming.