9 Things to do when your date starts rapping in the car

The evening went amazingly well, even better than your week of fantasies thought it would; each night of charming conversation from the moment you swiped right all culminating to this very moment, the way God intended. A candlelit dinner ending in laughter over wine and a shared tiramisu, a walk along the river with his hand on the small of your back; you exchanged stories about your youth, he told you his mother would just love you. The chemistry is off the charts and you can’t wait to go home all giddy and starry-eyed.

Now you’re in his car. And he’s rapping.

The fire has been blanketed and you’re dryer than his mouth during the five minutes he’s spent delivering rhyming couplets to you and you’re looking for a swift exit. You’re too gobsmacked, too stunned to ask him why, why are you subjecting me to this? so you endure until it’s time to go home and get back on T*nder.

Unfortunately, it will most definitely happen again. Fortunately, you can keep these tips handy for the next time you’re trapped behind the bars of an unwarranted fire-in-the-booth session.

  1. Join in with some ad-libs. Some examples can include ‘brrr’, ‘yeah boi’, ‘uh-huh’ etc, or just a simple guttural throat noise. The deeper the grunt, the better.
    Take it further: jump in with your own freestyle whenever he pauses for more than a second, complete with head-bops and hand gestures. Give yourself a stage name and refer to yourself in the third person.
  2. Dance along to it. Try to follow the beat and make an impromptu dance choreography. Make it as middle-aged-Richmond-yummy-mummy as possible.
    Take it further: if your seat belt is on, take it off to give yourself more room for flailing arms.
  3. Stop him to tell him he has food in his teeth. There’s nothing more humbling to the greatest rapper alive than to be brought crashing back down to the reminder that he is nothing more than the spinach in his chompers.
    Take it further: reach into his mouth mid-expletive and pick it out for him.
  4. Yawn very theatrically. Then, close your eyes, smily dreamily, and point out that this would make a great lullaby for your children.Take it further: after you’ve done the above, pretend to cradle a baby as if you’re living out that very planned future.
  5. Just talk about your future children in general. Nod along with patience and respect until he finishes, after which you can say ‘that was impressive. I’m wondering if you could write a song like that for our kids, but without the swear-words? How cute would that be?!’.Take it further: refer to your children with the names you’ve already picked out.
  6. Secretly record him on your phone and play it back to him once he’s done. Note, this will only work if he hasn’t yet fallen into the dark depths of arrogance.Take it further: as he listens to the playback, jut your bottom lip out and look at him really sympathetically the whole time.
  7. Cover your mouth and start dry-heaving. Your date will stop to ask if you’re okay, to which you will say you have some unprocessed trauma, dating back to an unfortunate incident involving rhyming words and four slugs. Refuse to elaborate.
  8. Critically analyse his verse. Echo specific words under your breath while nodding. Talk about how you really loved when he talked about going through hard times and having no real friends when he had nothing (relay the words almost exactly as he said it, except in the style of Hugh Grant, i.e.,’many men wish death upon me — Oh Lord I do not cry anymore’), and ask him if that was before or after his parents bought the five-bedroom, three-bathroom childhood home in Putney in which he still comfortably lives.Take it further: pull out a notepad and pen to write said thoughts down and tick them off after you talk about them.
  9. Just start crying. Tell him his performance was so moving and made you so emotional that you couldn’t bear to hear any more of it; you are but a mere hormonal woman, after all. Maybe touch his face and say ‘it was just so beautiful and you’re so talented; how could a woman like me ever be enough for you?
    Take it further: make it really hysterical. Start wailing and hyperventilating.

Originally posted on Substack. Subscribe now for free updates.

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