Brand new skincare+ line for MEN ONLY!

You’ve seen it plastered all over the internet: skincare is really taking everybody by storm. Yesterday, my 6 year old sister asked me what kind of retinol she should start on and then firmly announced she would no longer be participating in laughter in an effort to prevent smile lines and crows feet from forming on her youthful face.

The abundance of content out there would almost convince you that skincare is for women only, that it is only little girls that should be practicing a 10-step night time routine instead of drinking warm almond milk before bed. Only women care about having soft, supple skin, and any man who purchases a moisturiser at Boots will be immediately stopped by security and asked whether he was actually looking for the gay bar.

Well, fellas, you can sigh a big, manly sigh of relief, because there’s a new brand in town. Rough N Tuff are here to shake up the skincare scene, with a wild new man-scented line of seven new products for only the manliest of men amongst you. This is for the ones who take charge of the barbecue, who watch Scarface and drink beer, who would rather starve to death than set foot in the kitchen. So put down your axe, get your flannels on and tell your wife to head down to the pharmacy to pick up this brand-spanking new set for you (not for your birthday, you don’t care about that).

Menthol-fresh charcoal enamel repairing paste

A bottle opener? What are you, a big sissy? No! This black toothpaste is designed especially for the bear-men, the primates who would rather use their teeth than any tool. Contains an unnamed super-strong ingredient that is only suitable for big strong teeth that can withstand the force of any bottle-top or rock-candy.

Beard shampoo (various scents: River current, Huge flame, Under the mud, Gas)

Real men like to be near the elements and only eat food directly from those elements. In the same vein, real men like to shovel food into their mouths so they have no choice but to obnoxiously chomp with their mouth open. These real men pick up a steak with their hands, bloody of course, and shred it with their gnashers, getting gristle and fat and meat all in the chin-hairs. Use one of these element-scented shampoos to make sure your beard is clean and super-soft (don’t worry, it only feels soft; it still looks rough and rugged).

Wood-shaving hand cream

We get it, you don’t want soft hands. You hear it enough from your wife who is sick of feeling sandpaper on her body, but you can’t possibly give up the faces of sheer awe when your buddies see your cracked, dry and bloody fingers around the barbell. If only they could be as masculine as you. If the complaints from the missus get too much, try out this replenishing hand cream, with a unique scent that will allow you to pretend you’ve been building a shed all day.

Freshly-cut grass shower gel

What’s more manly than smelling like you’ve just mown the lawn? Comes in normal sized bottles and handy 50ml travel sizes for those who don’t believe in showering every day because women like the smell of dirty man sweat.

DOOM nailcare kit

Because grooming your nails and making sure they’re clean and neat is for women only, right? Wrong! This inconspicuous, super-masculine set is small enough to hide in the bottom of your bedside drawer and will make sure your nails are short and smooth-edged. Comes in all-black only.

Arctic-fury lip balm

Scented in cooling arctic-fury for the ultimate masculine experience, this lip balm will keep your lips hydrated without making them soft. You want your lips to feel comfortable without being distractingly beautiful when you’re mansplaining your new fixation that you found on TikTok and have suddenly become an expert on.

Pine-tree body lotion

Actually, this body lotion also triples as a day and night cream, because your face is part of your body, right? Who has the time to have face-specific products except women? Skin is skin. Scented with pine-trees so you can temporarily escape the dreariness of your finance job and daydream about having a real manly job as a woodchopper. Comes in a hefty 3 litre tub to fit your entire hand in.

Now Playing: The Man – The Killers

Originally posted on Substack. Subscribe here for free updates.

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