Something this depraved is not a product of a loving god.
I’m gonna talk about religion; not just about my religion specifically, so I don’t want anybody in the comments asking me why I’m not condemning ISIS. That ain’t my job, bish. I’m talking about religion generally: the whole concept of God, of divine books, of the afterlife.
I am struggling with religion.
Haram police, look away, because I’m about to reveal something: sometimes I wish I was Atheist. The complete hecking truth is that sometimes I wish that I could believe in nothing. I wish I believed that once we die, we’re just left to rot in the ground and turn into fertiliser because that makes everything so much easier. But I can’t. I wish I could be left to my own devices and know that everything I’m doing is a product of my own decisions and who I’ve grown into, but I can’t. I know that I’m living based on a book, based on a religion that I so strongly believe in that I couldn’t escape if I wanted to. I so strongly believe in it, yet I don’t follow it completely. I hate feeling like I’m scared to die simply because of what happens afterwards. Death itself doesn’t bother me. I’d have probably killed myself a long time ago if it wasn’t a straight ticket to hell, so I guess I gotta thank religion for that.
I won’t go into detail, but I’m not the most religious person. I struggle with my faith. And yet, I’m so bound to it that it influences so many decisions I make in my life. I don’t drink alcohol because I don’t want to, but it obviously started out being due to the fact that it’s forbidden and I just didn’t ever enter the drinking scene. I don’t eat pork because I just never have and pork isn’t good for you???? But other things; dressing modestly, giving to charity, not partying etc are not influenced by religion – it’s my own choice. I know that Islam itself is beautiful. The Quran contains passages that will leave you in awe. Some of these include scientific facts that weren’t discovered until later.
Some things pissed me off, like the hoor al ayn. I once asked a guy why there wasn’t an equivalent for the women – I mean if my husband gets multiple ethereal wives, why can’t I have multiple ethereal husbands? Of course, he got angry and asked me why I want multiple men. ‘Don’t question the decree of Allah, hoe.’ I don’t want multiple partners. But if men get them, WHY can’t women? I don’t want them, but WHY? I understand that this might be because men are simple creatures who feel so fucking entitled to women that this is a great way to entice them into heaven, but WHY aren’t the rewards for women described in as much detail? All women tend to want is their husband and family, and they have to learn that their husband gets millions of other beautiful women? That’s a fuckery. And what’s the bullshit about paradise being full of people who are ‘fair in complexion’?
But my issue isn’t entirely with religion. Some people are really shit. I’m talking about the righteous ones, the super religious ones (men) that spew their bullshit outdated interpretations and make people (women) distance themselves.
I am struggling with religion because I’m angry at God. Like how Jane was when Michael got shot. I’m not a terrible person (I think). I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone for no reason, I don’t do reckless things, I’m good, in the lame sense of the word. I pray(ed). I’ve been slacking for the very reason that I’m angry at God because I don’t know what I’ve done. Muslims everywhere will say it’s a test, God loves you so he’s testing you and you’ll be rewarded. And other such bullshit. It’s a nice thought, but that’s bullshit.
I don’t know. Religion is a tough one. You’re either too religious or not religious enough. Not long ago I was reminded of the idea of questioning religion. I always had so many questions about it; you know the kind that would make religious fanatics go crazy and tell you to shut up. And that’s exactly what happened in my late teens; I questioned so many things about Islam and I was basically told that I wasn’t allowed to question God’s commands. That ‘it’s just the way it is, you have to follow it’. It pissed me off, but I just said ‘oh well’.
But honestly, fuck that. I can’t help it. If you have questions, especially regarding religion, ask them. Dig deeper. The only way you’re going to be comfortable in your religion – in anything in life – is if you ask the questions that are playing on your mind and receive a satisfactory answer.
Also, it’s so important to make sure you’re following because you really believe, rather than doing so blindly. If that means you have to get blackout drunk one time, or you have to take your hijab off, then do so if it will answer your burning questions. Honestly, whilst it is important to follow the religion you believe in, it’s more important to remember that your relationship with God is personal. Some of the kindest, most genuine people I’ve known didn’t wear hijab, didn’t always pray. Some of the worst human beings I’ve ever met were always at the masjid and preaching to everyone.
It all comes down to this: your intentions. That’s the only thing that matters.