[Shitpost – 4:30am]
They say the only people awake at this hour are the lonely and the loved, but I’m here because my caffeine buzz is wearing off and I wish I was in love. Right now I feel like I am, but with no one in particular, possibly someone who doesn’t exist, and it’s frustrating. Why am I talking about love so much? Everyone around me is getting into relationships, getting married, and, honestly, being single is getting boring real quick. But I also see people getting into the wrong relationships and just generally being unhappy; I’m tryna stress how important a foundation is. No more time wasting. I only want something if it’s real.
My state of mind right now is equivalent to being intoxicated in some way, so it’s about to get real raw and embarrassing. I feel high. I’m also listening to old J Cole and Miguel and I feel like aunt flo is about to visit, so my head is a real shitstorm right now. Soppy bitch mode currently turned on full blast.
The sun’s about to rise and I’m not tiptoeing around my thoughts; when everything is silent and still, we’re forced into introspection, we have to face everything about ourselves head on. It’s painful, it’s liberating, there’s something sublime about it. I’ve dashed anxiety out of the window, focused too much on being happy with myself and, in the process, forgot to really get back into my head. Not trying to fall back into bad habits, but here we are. I got me up all night, down and out with these love songs. Can’t lie, I missed this.
Even as a giant ex-cynic, I know that love is everything. It exists. Somewhere. The mistake people make is trying hard to find it in specific places and getting upset when they don’t. Chill out. It’ll come to you.
Maybe one day you’ll be laying with him and he’ll stroke your thumb, like he always does, except this time something clicks and your chest feels light and everything feels so goddamn right. Maybe she’ll walk away and, three weeks and nine women later, the feeling of regret that was brewing finally manifests itself in the pit of your stomach and you finally know why you feel like shit. Maybe you’ll watch your entire family fail to back you against a man who has done nothing but disrespect you, and in that moment you’ll learn that love and loyalty doesn’t have to be mutual and you have too much to give. Maybe you’ll be fucking with someone who treats you like you’re anyone, forgetting who you are and trying to get down with everyone; one day you look at him and your head clears and you realise you love yourself way too much to be fucking with a lame. Maybe you’ll be out drinking with your best friend and you’ll both laugh so hard that you snort, and you’ll realise that this, right now, is all you really need in life, that your heart is healed and nothing else matters.
When you learn that love can be found anywhere, you learn to really love yourself. And when you love yourself, you can love someone else and be loved. I’ve seen people find themselves in fucked up situations and end up saying that love doesn’t exist, that life is shit, that there’s nothing real anymore. I’ve been in a fucked up situation too, and I still believe in love – I feel like I believe in it now more than ever, and I think this is the only constant that has prevented me/will always prevent me from falling into a dark place. You love a bad situation when you can appreciate the lessons that come from it – believe that every single thing that happens to you is there to serve you. You gotta love yourself, in the most humble way possible. Your mind is everything and you attract everything that exists in your head. Misery attracts misery, because your shit tinted glasses make you look at everything in the shittiest way possible so everything that happens to you becomes shite. Love attracts more love.
But here’s where it gets messy: don’t fall in love so easily. Love everyone and everything, but guard yourself for something real; when you get your heart broken, it will tarnish your perception of it, and when the real thing comes around you’ll be too cynical to hold onto it. You’ll lose it. The cycle will restart. You will adorn the shit tinted glasses. You know what shit attracts? Flies. You know what flies do? Spread disease. I don’t know where I’m going with this analogy. It’s 5am. Goodnight.
Now Playing: Sure Thing – Miguel