Inb4 anybody freaks out about the formatting (which I also hate): below is a stream of consciousness, my internal monologue as I was walking to the gym the other very dark morning. It’s so interesting to me that some people don’t have an internal monologue – but I suppose it is similar to me not being able to visualise anything in my head.
There are no breaks, no paragraphs, no clear new ideas (except the million ones condensed into one giant ball of everything my brain has ever contained). Everything is written exactly as it happened upon me, read it if you wish. Tell you more about it later. Enjoy.
Right. So, it’s six a.m. – FECK it’s freezing – going to the gym, will get there around 6:15a.m. and be done by 7:30a.m. Home by 8:00a.m. if I stop by the shop to pick up some lettuce, squirty cream, plastic cheese, yoghurt, and bulgur. What if a car whizzes around this corner and hits me when it inevitably mounts that kerb? Better speed up. Maybe I should allow myself to get hit, perhaps then they’ll finally put up that convex mirror I’ve been going on about for the last two years. I sacrifice my life for Pakistan. Or what if they drench me by driving into that puddle – even worse and more embarrassing because I’d have to go home and that would be a waste of the will to get out of the house this abhorrently cold morning. 120ish grams of bulgur today to fit in my macros, need to have a protein shake when I get home and jump in the shower. Will save breakfast for 9:30a.m. to avoid snacking. Three meetings today, one I probably won’t attend, I can have a coffee in-between those. An hour in the middle of the day to do whatever I want; will either read for fifteen minutes (I won’t), or write for forty-five (definitely won’t), or maybe I’ll make something. Maybe if I spend money on a new subscription-based service I’ll be forced to get my money’s worth and spend every free minute creating. Why does it feel, as an adult, that I have zero time to do anything? Why do I fill my time with nonsense (read: recovering from life and The Job), what am I even doing? Need to stop watching so much TV and revisit the skills I used to have before they disappear entirely. I used to go to school and study after school and see my friends after that for Nando’s chocolate cake and then I’d go home and play the piano and read before bed. I used to go to uni before the sun rose and studied until it was high in the sky and then I’d come home and write essays for fun and play guitar with leathery fingertips. I used to go to work every day and go out to bars at night and dance until my feet were sore and I’d still be up early for the gym and McDonalds the next morning. Now, I’m just in bed. But I suppose I am dealing with the crushing weight of existence that I wasn’t really privy to as a naive youth. Or, maybe I’m just content and this is just the next calm phase of my life. I can’t believe my teacher just gave me photoshop for free on a usb and now one must be roped into an expensive year-long subscription. I miss being able to own things. I don’t want to stream and rent and loan and lease. I want to have it, I want it to be mine. I want a stack of CDs again and I want to go to Blockbuster on a Friday evening – the world I lived my childhood in no longer exists and I don’t recognise the one around me; I already am the out of touch old person who criticises the world the young people have been forced to inherit (although it is seemingly being shaped around laziness and lack of an attention span or willingness to learn). Everyone is an influencer and telling children they’re all in the same boat and living the same lives, but they should all ditch fast fashion and buy these affordable pieces from Nobody’s Child. I hate bad quality clothing – why is a basic plastic (read: not leather) pair of boots £120 now and why, when I look at the label of a nice £80 jumper, is it 100% polyester? I wish Mango didn’t make clothes for tall skinny people only. My Vagabonds have lasted me almost ten years so far. What if I see another man collapsed on the floor right now and I have to stop and wait for an ambulance again? I can’t really be arsed for that right now. Oh my goodness, it is COLD. Need to go home and wash my hair – everything shower and shave, hair detox and mask day, will IPL later (I won’t). Has this road always been uphill? This feels like a workout, why am I huffing and puffing? Should I be? If I was taller I wouldn’t be behaving like a small asthmatic ogre right now. Fixing my walk so I don’t look like I’m climbing a mountain, but the fog on my glasses is giving the general state of my cardiovascular health away. I do want to do Snowdon again next year. Yr Wyddfa. Should probably do Ben Nevis but it’s just not as pretty and I love Wales. Greg Davies’ father drove his mother across the border while she was in labour just so he’d be born in Wales and thus eligible to play for the Welsh rugby team. I can’t believe people wake up in the morning and can just see without having to worry about foggy specs or ripping contact lenses out of their dry eyes. What if I discover I love Scotland and now that’s a ballache to get to? I’ll be a melancholic mess each time winter comes around and I’m yearning for the Highlands. Almost there. Should I really be stretching before a leg day? Haven’t done it for years and won’t start now, my quads are already warmed up. It’s not even a quad day. Maybe I’ll stop training quads altogether. I haven’t had a thigh gap since I was about 17. Not sure why I’m shoving my face full of chicken and whey and skyr everyday when I’m going to die one day, who even cares;I don’t remember the miserable high-protein meals I’ve made myself, but I do remember the coffee & walnut and chocolate fudge cakes on my birthdays, the cinnamon rolls I was sent back to my parents house with, and the apple crumble in bed just because. I could do with a Pret posh cheddar right now. Shouldn’t have worn this scarf, now I’m sweating. Why are you leaving the gym just as I arrive, you think you’re better than me? You are, even though you’ve stunk the pod out with weed. Setting my alarm earlier tomorrow.