Yes, hello. I am back after > a two month long hiatus with an embarrassing story for you, because we’re all guilty of a bit of schadenfreude and I wanna make you happy.
It finally happened to me, my worst gym nightmare. I did fall off the treadmill. I was sprinting, got distracted by my falling phone, lost my step, and was flung backwards.
Yes, in hindsight I should have said bun the phone and stopped first, but I did not. I decided to be a big man and look where it got me? With a fat scar on my chin.
It will happen to you. It will definitely happen to you. Especially when you think it never will. So firstly:
Do not try to be a big man.
Live within your means, in every sense of the word. Don’t try reaching for the can of baked beans at the top of the shelf when you’re only 5’1 because your foot will slip and you will crash to the ground, with a million cans of everything but baked beans falling on your head and everyone will stare at you. Get a stepladder or ask someone to help you. Don’t let your ego cloud your judgement. You’re not a superhuman or a freakishly able multitasker. Don’t do anything until you’re absolutely sure of the consequences. Don’t put your boys before your girlfriend cos you think it will make you look macho, because your boys aren’t gonna keep you warm at night when your girl fucks off. Don’t hit the receptionist with ‘I work with people in this field so I know what I’m talking about’, because they will always laugh at you afterwards for sounding like an obnoxious idiot and you will henceforth be known as such and will receive no leniency. We gotta take risks sometimes, but make sure they’re calculated. Is it a good idea to ask out the girl who is way out of your league, or tell your boss you want a raise? Sure, why not! Is it a good idea to distract your mind when you’re sprinting at level 16? Probably not.
Get up as soon as you fall
Well, take as long as you need to. But as soon as you can muster up even an ounce of energy, get up. If I didn’t get up as soon as I fell (good idea) and get back on the treadmill (bad idea), I’d probably be embarrassed about the whole ordeal. I was told someone was about to come over and help me until they saw me getting up again, which made me look like a big strong man who can look after myself. Don’t lament or cry about something for longer than you need to because it’s only your own time you’re wasting, and your own healing that you’re prolonging. Life goes on with or without you, the clock won’t stop, and sitting around isn’t gonna make the wounds heal faster, or make people forget quicker. The earlier you start getting over something, the quicker you’ll be a-okay.
Don’t risk something big for something small
Got something real good? Don’t risk fucking it up. Either abandon it all together if you even consider doing something to ruin it (get off the treadmill) or appreciate what you have (fuck the phone, you got a good sprint going). If you have a 9/10 don’t risk it for the remaining 1/10 because you will end up alone and regretful. If you have the opportunity to get closer to your boss by snitching on your coworker, you will end up looking like the brown nosing dickhead to the rest of the workforce. If you got a girl at home but a hoe in the club is tryna grind up on you, smack the bitch. Don’t go to your ugly ass brothers house if your kids would rather die than speak to him again. If you get invited to an important meeting on the same day that your wife is giving birth, don’t you dare consider rocking up to that meeting for even 10 minutes. Know your priorities my friends.
The fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself
Honestly, anxiety really fucks us all up. It’s not the actual event that we’re scared of, we just hate the foreboding feeling that it might happen. Once it happens, it happens. The fall is never as bad as we expect. When your partner cheats on you, you’re too stunned to feel anything at first; the pain only exists before and after the event. The fear of being cheated on and then the fact that it actually happened to you. There’s nothing in the actual event that you’re mad at, because once it happens, it’s in the past and you know you can’t do anything about it – I’m sure there’s a philosopher for this, and if you know who it is, let me know. You get angry because of everything that surrounds it; you ask why you weren’t good enough, what you’re lacking, why you had to get stuck with a piece of shit, you’re angry at the time you wasted, you’re hurt because you know you’re going to be hurt for the foreseeable future. A treadmill induced incident? The pain was not in the fall, but in everything else. As I sat on the floor in shock, I realised that this wasn’t as bad as I had always imagined it to be. The fall was fine. The fact that my manager was going to watch the CCTV and that I’d be stuck with a scar was not. Everything you feel lies in your perception of it. There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
Everything happens for a reason
It was embarrassing and painful. Okay it wasn’t even embarrassing. The most painful part of the ordeal was knowing that, in the time my knees took to heal, I wouldn’t be able to do anything, include get back on a treadmill. But if that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have had the great day that I did, which only happened because I stuck around nursing my bruised knee and moaning about my ugly chin. I know. El crypto is back.
The more you talk about something, the better you will feel. Sure, people might not care and just wanna hear about other peoples misfortunes, but it’s good for you. I must have said ‘fell on a treadmill’ about 200 times and now I am immune to any laughter. Might even post the CCTV footage on youtube (I will not).
Now Playing: Today I Saw the Whole World – Pierce the Veil