Vogue Parody: 73 questions with k

I really just be here.. minding my own business, and then I get a notification telling me that Abbie has posted. Excitement, joy, happiness.

Anyway I’m now sat here sneezing and coughing for whatever reason. I don’t recall being exposed to a sick person recently, so I have nobody to be pissed off at, and it’s pissing me off. Wherefore am I sick? From whence did these germs come to terrorise me?

I’m also trying to get my creative juices (ew, vagina) flowing, but my brain is so broken right now that I can’t even chat shit. I’ve seen these Vogue videos (I distinctly remember learning that Bella Hadid is Horse Girl™), and I’ve been pretty mad that I’m not famous, simply for the fact that I wanna be asked all these questions. Lo and behold, I have been tagged and it’s my time to shine.

Whilst you’re here, check out Abbie’s post too if you haven’t already. In an ideal world, anything I’d ever have to read in life would be written by her.
Let’s go.
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Sonnet 18, or an ode to benzos

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate
Thou calmest me most
When thou art blue –
Like the sky that houses the sun.
 
Ah the sun; so warming, joyful, happy
But sometimes scorching all my worries
Burning them down to ashes
Their fumes wafting their way back into me;
Like a phoenix, the ashes resurrect,
Bursting upwards from the ground
And slapping me straight in the goddamn face
As the summer reminds me;
you must be happy.
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An ode to the locals

Flat face, I share this trait
With a face so flat
I like the way you tuck your trousers
Into your socks like that.
Shaking hands, concealing pills
When I see the police
I, too, feel the thrill.
What a herd, what companions
You all look the same
Dogs walking dogs
So cool, much amaze.
So poetic and graceful
Billy Shakez just quivers
In his grave. Read more

25 things every girl honestly wants

I mean, I think it’s 25, I didn’t actually count. I’m supposed to be writing my dissertation but I mean…a girl wants a break from that. Just clearing out my drafts, don’t mind me.
..
For carbs and fat to skip the waistline and go straight to boobs.
A guy who’s going to shut down any girl that tries to make small talk with him, and makes her feel like shit for attempting it.
The same guy to humiliate a girl who flirts with him, and make her cry for being a hoe.
For foundation to go on smooth and poreless the first time round after waking up with gloriously  baby-like skin. So we can look like real life dolls before leaving the house.
To have skin that doesn’t break out upon contact with £2 lotion so we can have great skin and not break the bank
For all of our favourite TV series’ to NEVER END. Thus eradicating the lack of sense of purpose we feel when they do.
For the USA to just disappear off the face of the earth
For the OC to come back on tv.
Someone, partner or friend, who will defend us to the death and fight for us in whatever way possible, who will eradicate anything that hurts us and destroy anyone that causes us distress. Someone who is ready to ruin lives of people who wronged us 10 years ago.
A guy who is a prick to other girls because he doesn’t need or want them to like him. A real life partner in crime, whose entire life, every aspect is shared with us.
Bras that fit perfectly and don’t cost £500
To be able to wear sweatpants and no makeup in public without being called a slob, and to be able to wear makeup and look good without guys thinking we do it for them Read more

Storytime

Don’t you just LOVE thunderstorms? It’s currently 1am here and I’m enjoying the sounds of rolling thunder gently overshadowing the sounds of the Big Bang Theory. I say rolling thunder, but it sounds like someone in the sky is continuously opening and closing some sliding wardrobe doors. And I know I’m posting too much, but the situation has presented itself, and I have a rain-influenced story to tell.
So this incident happened, and I will forever remember this godforsaken memory because it is the day of my brothers birthday.
Anyway
So we left the house early that morning, around 9am, in order to find a birthday present for him [re: a toy], and it was CHUCKING IT. I mean it was pissing down with rain that seemed to just get heavier and heavier the whole time from when we left the house, back to when we stepped back into it.
We found a toy. After much pleading to buy EVERYthing, including a watering can and a mobile drum kit(????), we settled on a somewhat educational/fun toy because I am a fun but grounded older sister (not). On the way back from the shop we decided to stop off at Tesco so I could buy a Betty Crocker red velvet cake mix since I was being too lazy to make one myself, and that’s when it happened. Probably my punishment for thinking Betty could do a better job than me.
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