The definitive guide to becoming burnt out

Is the relentless rat-race becoming too easy for you? Do you need to shake things up a bit, take things up a notch, show that you really love to face challenges? If full blown exhaustion is your goal, follow these eight steps to make sure you really empty the tank of all it has!

  1. Set aside some time to plan your work week on Sunday

What better way to make sure you’re ready for the work week than to go through all of your work tasks before you actually start? If you say no to spending time with family on Sunday, you can use your free, unpaid time off (of which you have two days – plenty!) to get a head start and make sure you’re raring to go at 9am the next day! Surely you can’t expect that planning for work would be part of your work hours?

  1. Say yes to absolutely everything

Can you take on this task? And that task? And this task is too much for your co-worker, can you help, even though you are drowning under the weight of your own task list? Of course you can! If you don’t have time to do it, simply find the time. If you want to be a good employee, you must say yes to everything before someone else does. You might not be compensated, but at least you can look in the mirror and say you did it!

  1. Just accept the increased workload

Is your workload becoming suspiciously like… not what your job description said it would be? That’s absolutely normal. Instead of questioning why your workload has increased so much and voicing your concern over the fact that there aren’t enough hours in the day to accommodate for this increase, just accept it. If your performance looks like it’s suffering under this suspiciously increased workload that didn’t come with a monetary bonus, that’s your fault.

  1. Keep working past your contracted hours and just make the time up

Yay for flexible working! No, you shan’t get paid for the overtime. Accept that 6pm meeting and just take a longer break tomorrow. Who likes being able to switch off from work and confining work to your contracted hours? Not you! That’s why you let your work life bleed into your personal life until you can’t tell one from the other. Repeat after me: my job is my life. My life is my job. They are one.

  1. Engage in conversation about work outside work

Hey how’s your weekend going? Having a nice day out at the park and not thinking about anything remotely close to spreadsheets? Well sorry to ruin that for you, but I’ve sent you an email, if you could check that first thing Monday morning it would be great! Also I spoke to Dorothy on Friday, she’ll give you a call next week. Enjoy the remaining 12 hours of your weekend that you’re going to now spend thinking about that email!

  1. Wake up just in time to start work

Your only purpose in life is to work, therefore you should be spending each night wallowing into a tub of ice cream as you think about tomorrow morning. You should be dragging yourself out of bed at the latest possible minute in the mornings to get you clocked in on time. Who wants to spend time doing things they enjoy before work, as if life was made for living? Exercise? Books? A nice walk on a cool morning? Nope! Open eyes as late as possible, brush teeth, open laptop. Don’t forget coffee! Can’t function without fucking coffee.

  1. Understand that your health is job-dependent

If you didn’t have time for breakfast in the morning, just have that coffee. It’ll suppress your appetite. If you don’t have time to cook in the evening and can only manage to cry into a Pot Noodle and a bar of chocolate, tough titties. Weight gain and terrible skin are just normal side-effects of overworking; nutrients and sleep are overrated, anyway.

  1. Ignore the fact that you are struggling

Feeling utterly exhausted every single day is normal. Becoming a miserable, irritated person is normal. Reaching for propranolol is normal. Just keep going because you can simply push through this utter torment! Can’t promise there’s a way out but I can promise you’ll become numb enough to not feel any of it anymore. Don’t tell anybody you’re burning out, either. Either they won’t listen, or they might actually help you.

If your job seems too stress-free and manageable right now, try out these eight steps for a fast-track trip to Burnout Town and Stressville. Proven to suck the soul right out of you, it might take a few months, but you’ll be there in no time!

Now playing: Highway to Hell – AC/DC

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