This was a pretty hard post to write.
I’m often berated for my ‘oh well’ attitude. And praised as often as I’m berated. I am absolutely not emotionless… at all. I have all the emotion in the world and I can be a little bitch sometimes, but I can also easily detach from people. This is one of the few posts that I actually had to edit a few times; there were things I wrote on here that became way too personal. Way, way too personal. You could almost have learned a thing or two about me. These are things i had to delete, omit, change up a bit. It got dark, my dudes.
So I’ve gone full Taylor Swift and I’m telling you about 9 songs that I’ve accidentally attached to certain people. Dangerous, I know. I’m not about to expose anyone, though. There are no names, but if the boot fits, wear it. Tag yourself, I’m You x
All the Stars – Kendrick Lamar
This song reminds me of a great time in my life and someone who I actually liked hanging out with… but we don’t talk anymore, probably for the best. It reminds me of taking a photo in those booths in the arcade, and playing the Walking Dead game. It reminds me of actually being comfortable with someone new. In hindsight, I was so carefree and happy and I was having fun, despite the fact that we disagreed on certain things. I never realised how important it was to have people that you can just have a good time with, without the need to be anything but happy in the shallowest sense. This song reminds me of buying french vanilla Ciroc from the corner shop even though I hate vanilla, but you liked it and you would never let me pay for anything. It reminds me of being disappointed by Black Panther, and of being proven wrong about my theory about all 1 Series drivers. It reminds me of when I had a pull of your cigarette and I wanted to throw up, realising that this is why I don’t smoke.
I wish things turned out a little differently, we could still be friends now. But I don’t think you wanted to just be friends, and you ended up blocking me off everything. Shame. I still like listening to this song. Mems.
All Falls Down – Kanye
This song reminds me of someone I.. liked. Liked liked. I know, it was as weird for me to type that as it was for you to read that. Maybe I got too excited at the fact that I actually connected with someone. But, inevitably, it reminds me of disappointment. It reminds me of puking my guts out and still having to go downstairs to get your cookies off the delivery guy because you couldn’t be bothered. It also reminds me of going shopping and actually enjoying it because I liked hanging out with you. It reminds me of turning into a stupid fucking giddy girl when you popped up on snapchat because I associated that notification with something that’d make me smile, and it reminds me of when you let me paint your nail in the shade I’d call ‘khaki’. It reminds me of sweet potato taquitos and taro balls and ketchupgate and stories about man like Ra**h. It reminds me of getting baked and watching South Park and laughing until I was hyperventilating, but I don’t think you really saw that because you forgot that I was there. But I remember the weird dances you were doing when you had your back to me and you thought I wasn’t looking.
Now.. it also reminds me of stupid music-related arguments that you knew I didn’t care about. It reminds me that sometimes you only like the idea of a person that you conjured up in your head, and you don’t realise it until afterwards. But I was down for you. Maybe we could have been friends if you handled things differently. I’ve always liked this song, but I’ll probably stop liking it so much just because it reminds me that you were more concerned about telling me how great Kanye was than talking to me about anything else.
Run me Dry – Bryson Tiller
This reminds me of… someone I have absolutely no desire of remembering. Not because they made such a mark on my life, but because they absolutely didn’t. In fact, out of all the descriptions here, this is probably the harshest and it’s the only instance in which I will say I wasted my time. This person had no impact on my life except giving me a funny story to tell, re: teriyaki noodles. With chicken. I tell everyone about this story. If you’re reading this, I’ve probably told you. If not, just ask.
My guy, I know you got married and I really hope you didn’t eat the leftovers off your guests plates. I don’t even know why I ever hung out with you. This song reminds me of how much I hate stingy people, it reminds me of constantly looking at someone with an expression of ‘just shut the fuck up already, I don’t even know why I’m here. You think you’re great but you really aren’t, you are the opposite of great. You are lame. I don’t wanna do anything with you, I don’t wanna see you, I don’t wanna talk to you. Your idea of moving to me is saying “I’m gonna take you Sky Gardens because it’s free”. And stop sending me pictures of this baby because I’m tired of pretending it’s cute.’ I have never met anyone so stingy in my entire life. You used to talk about ‘taking me out’, when in reality I WAS TAKING YOU OUT. I PAID. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE YOU. I laugh when I listen to this. I laugh at myself for being a mug and hanging out with you just because I was bored. I should have just gone to sleep.
As You Are – the Weeknd
This song reminds me of comfort. It reminds me that you can feel like you’ve known someone your whole life, even when you’ve never actually met in the five(?) years since you first received a message from them. When you click with someone, you click with them and it never really goes away. This song reminds me of shitty puns and innocent jokes. Of making these far fetched plans of the future, of terrible, hilarious memes.
It reminds me of guilt, of trying your hardest but failing to not drag people into horrible situations they don’t deserve to be in, and I’ll never not feel shitty about that. It reminds me of you popping up at 2 month intervals and it seeming like nothing has changed, like it’s normal. Of picking up where we left off. I feel like we were always meant to be best friends but it just somehow never works. You didn’t wanna meet and I got bored. We haven’t spoken in a while. Will we ever talk again? Who knows. I still listen to this because it reminds me that there are good people in the world.
Clocks Go Forward – James Bay
This song reminds me of panic attacks. It reminds me of the most drastic few years of my life, the memory of which has seriously faded – and I have no desire to hold onto it. It reminds me of when I smoked weed for the first time and whiteyed. And when I took X for the first time and was amazed. It reminds me of breaking into a building and smoking on the rooftop, of getting caught by security whilst I was stoned out of my mind at 2am. They scolded you for bringing me up there and you got angry at these men for belittling you in front of me. It reminds me of feeling like I was never good enough, it reminds me of you calling me a slut for wearing jeans. It reminds me of you bringing medicine and snacks to my house when I was sick, but feeling ungrateful because it couldn’t make up for all the things you did wrong. It reminds me of wrong decisions, of fucking my life up and learning the biggest lessons I’d ever learn. It reminds me of you disappearing and me praying that you were dead and would never come back.
It reminds me of how scary it is that someone who had such a big place in your life can suddenly mean nothing, how scary it is that someone who once had your initial carved into their chest can have their face fade so rapidly from your memory. You’re going to die with that scar on your arm and I don’t even remember what you look like anymore. This is why I can detach so easily. It’s also why I’ll never settle. I never listen to this song. It brings up a Freudian feeling that I can’t explain… it makes me uncomfortable that there was a big part of my life that I can’t remember.
If I Could Change Your Mind – HAIM
This reminds me of the last time everything was… genuinely almost okay. I guess when it peaked. Of the last time I could speak and be normal around family, the last time I could go to places with them without feeling like I wasn’t meant to be there, the last time before everything became disjointed and artificial. This song is the last memory I have before I found that blood means absolutely nothing, before I saw people change into something I never thought possible, before I learnt that my priorities may not be the same as others’. This was around summer 2017. This is such a feel good song, but it’s so bittersweet and melancholy for me. I still listen to this every now and then, in the hope that things can go back to how they were, but I know they never will. I still pretend sometimes
The Edge – Tonight Alive
This reminds me of when everything started to fuck up again. It reminds me of relapsing and having the first panic attack I’d had in over a year. It reminds me of wounds opening up again before they had healed. It reminds me of popping benzos again, of switching to valium when my prescription wasn’t enough; I spent more time staring into space than feeling anything, good or bad. It reminds me of not understanding why anybody took benzos for recreational purposes when I took them just to feel normal. It reminds me of not being able to talk to anyone unless I was doped up.
But I felt low before – I wasn’t going to feel like that again. So I didn’t. Fortunately, I had the sense to understand that you were a miserable, sick bitch, confined to your bed with nothing to do but sit with a laptop and stir things up one last time whilst you waited to die. And you did. You were a disgusting witch and may God not rest your ugly soul. You exposed people around me for who they really are, but I could have gone without that. Because now everybody is back to normal, but I can’t forget about it and it’s changed everything about me. I will not forgive you. I hope you burn in hell over and over again. I hope it hurts and I hope that your kids, and your grandkids, and all the generations borne from you to come can feel it. I hope you have to watch it all.
Layla – Derek & The Dominos
You – Majid Jordan
Guys, if you know me, you know that Majid Jordan run through my veins the way HIM did when I was a teenager. This song is where everything started to go right. Well, relatively. Without sounding like a giant girl, Majid Jordan keep me grounded, and this is the song that always picks me up. It’s not attached to a person in particular, more so any single situation that I find myself in.
Also, I don’t want anyone thinking that anybody I’ve written about has had the biggest impact on my life pls. I literally write about anything and everything. There were other things and people I wrote about that I deleted off this post, and things I have yet to write about. Me writing shit.. doesn’t mean anything. Nothing means anything. The same way you dream about strangers you passed by at a train station once, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m not talking shit about anyone, I’m just brain vomiting. Toodles.
This was a pretty hard post to write.