Vogue Parody: 73 questions with k

I really just be here.. minding my own business, and then I get a notification telling me that Abbie has posted. Excitement, joy, happiness.

Anyway I’m now sat here sneezing and coughing for whatever reason. I don’t recall being exposed to a sick person recently, so I have nobody to be pissed off at, and it’s pissing me off. Wherefore am I sick? From whence did these germs come to terrorise me?

I’m also trying to get my creative juices (ew, vagina) flowing, but my brain is so broken right now that I can’t even chat shit. I’ve seen these Vogue videos (I distinctly remember learning that Bella Hadid is Horse Girl™), and I’ve been pretty mad that I’m not famous, simply for the fact that I wanna be asked all these questions. Lo and behold, I have been tagged and it’s my time to shine.

Whilst you’re here, check out Abbie’s post too if you haven’t already. In an ideal world, anything I’d ever have to read in life would be written by her.
Let’s go.

1.What’s your usual Starbucks drink?
Eh. I mean if I was to go.. probably an iced tea or an iced hazelnut latte. Zizek, you can breathe. I don’t buy it for the ethical coffee beans. It’s convenient.

2. What does your work station look like?
Tornado. But it’s a reflection of my mind, and is thus how I work efficiently. If I’m being really honest though, I don’t really stay in one place. Most of my ideas happen when I’m away from a laptop, so I’m always frantically jotting things down in a notebook that I have to always carry for this purpose.

3. All-time favourite food?
Honestly. Is this a character learning question? Because I’m about to sound like a dirty bitch. It’s gotta be a kebab. Specifically a doner kebab. Specifically a dirty doner kebab. Specifically a dirty doner kebab from the caravan after a night out. I also really like roasted broccoli.

4. Favourite author?
Chuck Palahniuk. Always. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

5. What do you think of open relationships?
Please, that is absolutely not a relationship, get it away from me. If it makes you happy, cool. But it’s not a relationship; calling it that undermines the loyalty that exists in actual relationships. Piss off mate, just say you wanna be single and go. How can you look at your man and think ‘yeah I don’t mind sharing’.

6. What’s your favourite video game?
Tomb Raider. You know the one where you bump into the butler and he grunts, and then you lock the bastard in the freezer.  I can’t play first person shooter games, they scare me.

7. What’s your guilty pleasure treat?
I’m eating Sainsburys cookies. And listening to Geko. So there’s that.

8. Your favourite movie?
(Screaming cos Abbie said Goodfellas <3333). It’s the Deer Hunter.

9. Favourite book?
A Clockwork Orange.  A man who cannot choose ceases to be a man.

10. Best advice you’ve ever received?
I have received absolutely no good advice that I couldn’t have given myself.

11. Twitter or Instagram?
Instagram is only good for memes. And you’ll see the same meme five times on your homepage in the space of 10 minutes. And the best memes are always screenshots from Twitter so really… Instagram is only good for cat bois. And it also keeps friendships alive by doing the bare minimum and sending posts, so it’s a tough decision.

12. Are you a desktop or a laptop person?
Laptop. I didn’t spend all this p to sit in one spot for hours on end. Although there is something legit about a desktop; I’d probably be a lot more productive if I owned one.

13. What projects are you working on right now?
Myself, really and truly. As cringey as that sounds. I’m also trying to get back into writing but so far.. so bad.

14. What’s your favourite colour?
Grey.

15. Did you get good grades in school?
Yes, I was a massive nerd. It all went downhill after GCSEs when I glowed up and people wanted to talk to me, so I spent less time studying. Fuckers.

16. Dream job?
Writing. Whenever I want to, about whatever I want.

17. Played any sports?
I can’t walk up 3 flights of stairs without getting out of breath.

18. Do you have a degree?
Yes, English literature.

19. Nationality?
British.

20. What’s your favourite type of blog post to write?
The ones where I talk shit. Aka all of them.

21. What do you like to collect?
Ketchup packets from Mcdonalds, apparently. My glovebox is full of them. I also have a bookcase full of about 3 versions of the same books. I’m also a sentimental fool, so if I have a cute day out, I’ll keep a little something from that day, even if it’s just a wrapper. I know, I’m sad.

22. Describe yourself in 3 words?
Dumb fucking bitch

23. If you were a rapper, what would your rapper name be?
“Kxntmilah”

24. Who was the last person you DM’d?
One of the group chats I guess.

25. What’s on top of your wish list right now?
Move out. Buy a new car. Finish writing that godforsaken book, because it’s making me sick.

26. Sorting House?
Ravenclaw

27. How many tattoos do you have?
None. But I have a couple scars from where I squeezed an ingrown too hard.

28. What are you most grateful for this year?
Not being raised to be a shithead. As blunt as I am, I’m a nice person. I know the line between banter and disrespect. And I’m loyal like a dumb bitch. When I’m down for you, I’m down for you and it really fucks me over sometimes. I get hurt as a result, but I have no regrets about being this way. This is why I’m selective. And this year I’ve realised I’m very grateful for the way I am.

29. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you this month?
It’s been a really shit month to be honest.. I guess the best thing would be that I’ve started going to sleep earlier. But I’m still tired in the mornings, so what does it matter in the grand scheme of things? We sleep a third of our life away and then we die.

30. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?
Got a wax and the woman waxed me then put the wax strip in my face and said ‘here you go. You want to take it home? Waxing souvenir.’

31. What’s the best thing ever?
Getting into bed before 9pm. Affectionate cats. Smooth, wide, empty roads. Tight hugs from your babes when they smell good.

32. Favourite season?
Autumn. The only thing I hate is that cinnamon air fresheners start creeping in.. please keep that away from me. Please.

33. Favourite holiday?
Gotta be Christmas. The lights, the seasonal coffee, the cold, fireplaces, boxing day sales. Love it.

34. What fictional character do you relate to the most?
Ron Swanson. If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

35. Do you like surprises?
Depends. On the one hand, yes. Like ‘hey I’m taking you somewhere on this day, be ready at this time’. Or , depending on who it is, ‘hey I’m coming down to see you’. Or ‘hey look what I got, it reminded me of you’. But do not turn up at my house unannounced because I will just leave you waiting there. Basically, I like surprises as long as I don’t need to be prepared for them. If you’re gonna propose, make sure I have my nails done.

36. What’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had?
It was not a nice surprise. But it was big and it involved heartbreak. Actually now that I think about it, it wasn’t all that surprising either.

37. What’s the surprise that made you cry?
Refer to the above.

38. What’s the best surprise you’ve ever given someone?
Dunno really. I had a couple cute surprises planned for people that I never got to execute for whatever reason.

39. Do you like muffins?
Starbucks lemon muffin my guy.

40. Do you cook often?
Nah. I would like to, but I cba to do all the cleaning up. I meal prep still, does that count as cooking often?

41. What’s your favourite dessert?
Key Lime Pie.

42. Is there a dessert you dislike?
Anything with Rhubarb, anything with caramel, anything excessively gooey. Also, chocolate ice cream. M&S does this really disgusting prosecco dessert that tastes like… prosecco.

43. Cake or pie?
Gonna have to go with pie.

44. What’s your least favourite food?
Anything with bones n fat and skin. Leave it yeah.

45. What’s your favourite condiment?
Mayo or Mcdonalds BBQ sauce. Or hot sauce, like the ones you get at the aforementioned dirty kebab places.

46. It’s 4am on a Saturday night, what would you eat?
Thin crust margarita pizza that’s broken in half because I was tipsy and I dropped it as soon as I took it out of the freezer.

47. If you could teach a college class, what would it be called?
How to Stop Being a Whiny Little Fuck. Or maybe How to Be Cool. Yes.

48. Best animated film?
Spirited Away

49. What has a guy done or said to impress you?
Shania Twain has entered the chat. To be honest the bar has been set very low for me in the past so I dunno.

50. The best thing to do on a first date?
Go for a drink. Calm those nerves. Talk shit. But do NOT go back to theirs. I mean you can if you want but.. I would never. And I don’t advise you to either.

51. The worst thing to do on a first date?
Cinema cos what’s the point really, I could have done this alone.

52. What’s the funniest pick-up line a guy could use on a girl?
Anything really cheesy and shit. I love it.

53. Best comic book character?
Spiderman obv

54. What are three things that are always in your purse?
Debit card, license, and for some reason €20.

55. Favourite drink?
Soft drink: rose lemonade. Alcoholic: jameson & ginger ale. Failing that, a Sex on the Beach pitcher from Spoons always hits the spot.

56. If you could play a historical figure in a movie who would it be?
Gaddafi

57. Kittens or puppies?
Kittens

58. Tell me your favourite sushi roll?
Erghhhh. California I guess… raw fish just isn’t for me. I also can’t stand seaweed so, to be honest, that’s also going straight in the bin.

59. What kind of lipstick do you use?
I own about 5000 lipsticks of the same dusty rose shade.

60. What kind of foundation do you use?
Maybelline Fit Me when I wanna look awake. Estee Lauder Double Wear when I wanna look cute.

61. Blow dry or air dry?
Blow. Look at my fat head, you think I can let my air dry without it sticking to me and looking like I’ve been wearing a helmet all day? If I leave my hair to air dry, I look like I’ve just stepped out of 1960s Afghanistan.

62. Who is your fashion icon?
Myself. Even though I basically wear the same thing all the time.

63. Favourite Disney Character?
Eh. Who’s that peng ting from Tangled. Him.

64. What are you doing tomorrow?
Going to work, watching time go by really slowly as I robotically wade through the day, a rusty cog in the capitalist machine.  Then I’ll think about going to the gym when my energy picks up in the hour before hometime, but instead I’ll get into bed at 10pm and fall asleep.

65. A movie you laughed the hardest through?
Life of Brian. He’s not the messiah, he’s a very naughty boy.

66. A movie that made you cry?
I actually don’t know.. I think I cried during the Blind Side.

67. If you could sing a duet with someone, who would it be?
Majid Jordan or Aesop Rock. Can’t decide what kinda song I wanna go for.

68. If your life was a song, what would the title be?
Ugly

69. What’s your favourite animal?
Alpaca. They look so dumb, I love it.

70. Favourite illustrator?
I don’t have one.

71. A person you want to have coffee with?
Andy Samberg

72. What country do you wish to visit?
Finland so I can see the Northern Lights from an igloo. Bora Bora so I can stay at Four Seasons. I need a babes for those places though.

73. Best way to decompress?
Go to sleep. Literally that’s it. Even when I’m chilling, listening to music or writing, my mind is still always doing something else behind the scenes and I can’t fully relax; I have to physically switch off and go to sleep. Sometimes I take a nap just to pass time when existence becomes too much *flops melodramatically onto a chaise longue*