You will never love me again

I’m just trying to find a friend that I can kick back with.
Maybe listen to Fleetwood Mac for hours whilst getting shit done. Write music. Sing songs with so much passion at the top of our lungs and convince ourselves we wrote them.
Or take some mescaline (thanks, Kurt) and see who can come up with the wildest stories (whilst listening to Jeff Buckley) and draw. Stare at the ceiling and talk about literally everything. Rant and talk shit about the people we hate. Tell them my struggles and not be judged or ridiculed or ignored. Someone who will be there whether it’s 4pm or 4am.
I want to be high as hell when I tell them something that’s bothering me, and they’ll be high as yike defending me to the death and coming up, in the utmost seriousness, with an elaborate plan to kill whoever pissed me off. And we’ll both believe it’ll happen even though later on we’ll laugh about it. But they weren’t joking and I’d have to stop them from doing something insane.
Reserve Sundays for formula 1, obviously.
It’s me. I’m describing myself.
We all have different ideals of the perfect best friend. Some of us want someone who will join a cult with us, and others want a friend who will just stay in contact from time to time to meet up for coffee. I used to think that people could be in a friendship or a relationship with someone who was completely opposite to them, but I think those friendships have limits. They only last so long. Because miscommunication starts to happen more often, you can grow distant, one doesn’t understand or even want to understand the other so well.
I want to know people who have the same weird tendencies as I do, but I don’t think they exist. I want to know people who are fiercely loyal, creative, intense. Passionate about something. Passionate about someone. Passionate to the extent that they don’t care about anything else when this thing/person is concerned. I want to go to Norway, Finland, Cambodia. Everyone I know wants to go to Morocco, Dubai, Spain. I want to go to a GOD DAMN alpaca farm. Everyone I know wants to go to restaurants. I want to do things that I’ll remember years later. Everyone wants to go shopping. I want to stay in and do nothing. Everyone wants to go out and go shopping some more.
I find people nowadays to be so watered down. A little bit of everything so they can please everyone. A Jack of all trades type of friend, an ‘all rounder’. The type who will mould into what everyone wants them to be.  The type that is so ‘everything’ and ‘average’ that they are basically nothing. The type that fades into the background. The type that is afraid or embarrassed to be intensely them, or maybe they don’t have a ‘them’ to intensely be. People are afraid to be intense. I want more intense people, people who care about something and are unapologetic about who they are. I love intense people. I don’t give a shit how weird it is.
I don’t think anybody I know is passionate about anything. Except my dad, who is passionate about his 10 blade lawnmower. And even that is still more than what a lot of people have.
I guess that’s why I want to know people with the same interests in me. I’ll find you one day. Maybe at a bookstore. Or laying down, staring at the sky. Or writing or jamming in the streets. Maybe you’ll be busking. Anytime I’ve been out with anyone and they’ve seen a busker, they always make a snide comment, even if it’s not intentionally horrible. We’re programmed to think that way about buskers. We’re programmed to look down on and not associate ourselves with people who are seemingly “low” in whatever sense of the word. But I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve desired to know more about that person playing that music. And more often, they’ve actually been really good.
I dont fucking care about what anybody looks like or how much money you have or how cool you are. I am tired of people who are trying to impress everyone. They are lame and boring. I want to know people who I could be broke and squatting with but just be happy in their presence. I don’t know what a career has to do with a person’s character or personality, and I don’t know why it should dictate whether you should be friends with that person or not. Your social status, your wealth doesn’t affect or change what kind of person you are. You having money or being successful isn’t going to make me like you if you neglect everything else in the process . I would rather be friends with someone who is broke but working on something they love, striving to maintain the happiness of the people they love, than someone who is proudly isolated because they’re working all day making money and neglecting everything else. I care more about people who strive to maintain their passions, their love, their integrity. People who live for right now and to be happy.
I don’t respect people who put success (aka wealth) above everything. They’re robots. What happens when you don’t get a tomorrow? The memory of you fades away because you lived for nothing but the future that never came. I’ve yet to find anybody who thinks that. The default thought is to sacrifice the present for a better future. But it’s not worth losing the happiness of a few years, because no matter how successful you are in the future, it’ll always feel like there’s a hole there. Finding an average career and settling down with an average partner seems to be the priority, the end game for everyone.
This is why I like artists. Writers. Photographers and musicians. They’re broke but you only study or take up that profession if you enjoy what you’re doing. They know they’re going to be broke, but their integrity remains intact. These people have stayed true to themselves. Nobody wants to study law or medicine. They want the money that being a lawyer or a doctor brings. The knowledge that you’re saving lives doesn’t justify the long hours spent studying and working your life away.
I only want to know intense people. I’m talking intense like Lindsey Buckingham performing The Chain intense. When I listen to and watch that, I think of myself. This is it. This is what I want to find. I crave that connection.
Don’t half ass anything. Whole ass one thing. Never let anyone half ass your friendship when you’re trying to whole ass it. Give people a chance to love the real you. Give second and third chances. Maybe even a fourth. But no fifth chances. Life sucks and we’re here for a while, so only spend it doing things and knowing people who make it better.
Finally, find what you love and let it kill you. Or however the quote goes.
Reminder: if you are in the U.K., please REGISTER TO VOTE. And if you care about the country and yourself VOTE LABOUR!

Leave a Reply